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Reunion Schedule
by Christopher Buckley
Thursday
1‑4 PM.: Registration: Welcome back! Discover that all the classmates you wanted to see have cancelled and aren't coming! Not to worry! Now you'll have plenty of time to get to know the ones you've spent the last twenty‑five years avoiding!
6‑7 PM.: Drinking!
7 PM.‑midnight: Dinner and more drinking! A chance to "break the ice" by expressing joy over having travelled thousands of miles to spend time with people you no longer have anything in common with!
Friday
8‑10 A.M.: Breakfast. "You'd better put something in your stomach!"
10‑11 A.M.: Welcome talk by President Lootin: "The New Millennium and How Much More of Your Money We'll Need.” President L. will explain what the university has been doing with the money you have already given, and why it desperately needs more despite the fact that its endowment tops seven billion dollars. During the talk, development officers will pass Bloody Marys and pledge cards.
11 A.M.‑noon: Faculty lectures.
"Fund‑Raising in Ancient Mesopotamia." Dr. Harmon Beedlemeyer, of the Archeology Department, will show slides of early cuneiform donor‑pledge forms, which made Babylon U. the finest educational institution of the sixth century B.C.
"Sexual Potency and Philanthropy." Dr. Pashtar Singh, Professor of Behavioral Medicine, has spent the last twenty years studying the effect of giving away money on virility, and has discovered startling connections.
12‑1:30 PM.: "Puttin' On the Feed Bag!" (Lunch.) The same food you remember, only this time washed down with plenty of alcohol!
2‑6 PM.: Panel discussions. Classmates who have done better than you in their careers will discuss why, and
whether it's too late for you to do something about it.
7‑8:30 PM.: "Booze Cruise!" Cocktails on board the good ship Alma Water.
8:30 PM.: Dinner. A warm supper will be served by current financial aid students who hate you. Our after dinner speaker is author Blaise Waimerd, who will regale us with stories about famous authors she has slept with.
10 PM.‑midnight. "Hail! Hail! Rock and Roll!" Dance the night away at our authentic re‑creation of a college mixer. This time, at the end of the evening, you're guaranteed sex. (As long as you go home with your spouse!)
Saturday
8‑10 A.M.: Hangovers, recriminations, and a scathing lecture from your spouse.
10 Am.‑noon: More panel discussions.
"If Drugs Are So Bad, How Come We Had So Much Fun?" Dave (Nickel Bag) Bender leads a discussion. (Note: Space limited. Reservations required.)
"This Is It?" Dr. Jacques Rien, of the Philosophy Department, discusses why your life peaked twenty‑five years ago and whether you should kill yourself.
"Leave It to Us!": University lawyers explain the tax advantages of bequeathing your estate to the university, instead of to heirs who secretly despise you while pretending to love you.
12‑2 PM.: "Dejeuner sur Herb." The Old Quad is transformed into the French countryside, complete with cows and cow by‑products. Catch up with old friends while drinking "blush" wine from the brand‑new upstate New Hampshire vineyard of classmate Herb Risko.
2‑5 PM.: Seminars.
"La Cage au Moil" Margot (Mark) Lanham discusses his transformation from shy English major to transgender night‑dub sensation. Don’t miss his hilarious impression of Attorney General Janet Reno: "Elian! Elian! Auntie Janet, she is coming to get you!"
"We Regret to Inform." Julie Figg, Director of Admissions, discusses why your child didn't get in, despite all that money you've given. Julie will also explain why you wouldn't get in today, either.
"Winning Isn't Everything!" Coach Fred Putsolatso explains why the football team hasn't won a game since our fifth reunion. Jim Dimmer, from Alumni Development, will follow with a presentation showing how we can win‑if we give the school more money, so it can recruit from among the nation's leading juvenile‑detention facilities!
7‑10 P .M.: Luau. Burmlee Dining Hall goes Hawaiian with (real!) sand and (fake!) palm trees. Extremely strong rum drinks will be served by Alumni Development officers, along with durable power‑of‑attorney instruments.
Sunday
Noon: "We’ll Do Lunch!" Ceremonial exchange of numbers and promises to get together before another twenty five years go by!
12‑4 PM.: Departures. Attorneys and security personnel from Alumni Development meet with you to go over your irrevocable‑financial pledges. Once all instruments are signed (three witnesses, please!), notarized, and entered at the County Courthouse, you'll be given back the keys to your car. See you at the thirtieth!
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